ToddLahey
11-15-2006, 04:30 PM
Subject: Rules of the South
If you are going to live or visit in the South, you
need to know these rules.
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did
more work before breakfast than you do all week at
the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow
you drive, you're going to get dust on your
Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If
you like the color don't wash your car for a couple
weeks -- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were
seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over
it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod.
Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the
handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch
trout you fish for - bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
mallards are making their final approach, we will
shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to
your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the
Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and
turkey.
9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass
over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- set it in
the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of
water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be
brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're
real impressed.We have a quarter of a million-dollar
combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight
in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop
when it's yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We
pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to
church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high
school football games on Friday nights. We still
address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes,
ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives
around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" well.
15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't
putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback,
bacon or a ham hock.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced
brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar?
It's available at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like . Get
over it. Don't like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways
- Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe
even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk
and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat -
go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer
season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can
get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before
daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah,
it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the
water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the
gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have
these things called diamondbacks, an they'r e not
baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled
you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is
"Sir," no matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It
drips from them. You park your Navigator under them,
and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get
beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our
state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a
measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for
beating up the flag burner.
25. No, we don't care how you do things up North.
If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern
state or stay there? And no, down here, we don't
have an accent, you do.
26. If y’all come down here to make a bunch of money,
you better well spend it down here too.
If you are going to live or visit in the South, you
need to know these rules.
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did
more work before breakfast than you do all week at
the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow
you drive, you're going to get dust on your
Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If
you like the color don't wash your car for a couple
weeks -- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were
seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over
it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod.
Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the
handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch
trout you fish for - bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
mallards are making their final approach, we will
shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to
your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the
Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and
turkey.
9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass
over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- set it in
the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of
water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be
brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're
real impressed.We have a quarter of a million-dollar
combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight
in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop
when it's yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We
pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to
church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high
school football games on Friday nights. We still
address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes,
ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives
around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" well.
15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't
putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback,
bacon or a ham hock.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced
brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar?
It's available at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like . Get
over it. Don't like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways
- Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe
even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk
and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat -
go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer
season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can
get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before
daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah,
it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the
water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the
gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have
these things called diamondbacks, an they'r e not
baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled
you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is
"Sir," no matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It
drips from them. You park your Navigator under them,
and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get
beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our
state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a
measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for
beating up the flag burner.
25. No, we don't care how you do things up North.
If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern
state or stay there? And no, down here, we don't
have an accent, you do.
26. If y’all come down here to make a bunch of money,
you better well spend it down here too.